- Tori: so i come in and i find that the kitty calming treats bag has been pulled out and ripped to shreds. Both cats are surprisingly mellow.
How dare anyone compare them to me.
idk what you’re talking about but cows are adorable and beautiful and sweet so don’t talk shit on cows.
You won’t speak to me and I won’t make Tor a messenger for our problems, so here it is:
This whole issue is the fucking stupidest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I refuse to play childish games and I refuse to enable your dramaticism. Cold shoulder me for the rest of your life-I don’t give a shit.
I think it’s hilarious that you berated me because I “should have known” you’re a good person and you treat your pets well. It’s funny for two reasons: a) because I never fucking said or thought you weren’t and b) because you never even considered extending the same courtesy to me, preferring instead to assume I’m some dumb fucking bitch who would seriously talk shit on one of my best friends and their fucking grandmother (wtf?) to their face.
Aside from that being so ridiculously illogical and unlikely it’s practically an impossibility, it also hurt my feelings that you readily think so poor of me. Try putting the shoe on the other foot sometime.
I tried again and again to clarify what I meant, to get you to understand that I didn’t mean to be insulting, but you took every word I said and twisted it around to make it seem like I was just throwing insults at you left and right-playing the martyr like some emo tween.
I can’t fucking stand it when people take the things I say and tack their own meanings onto them. I don’t understand why people insist on reading between nonexistent lines and overanalyzing every little word. I almost think you LIKE being shit on, because it seems like you seek it out. You had to. The leaps you were making from what I said to what you think I said are so amazing Superman is jealous.
You told me I assumed something on insufficient information. I asked for clarification. You gave me nothing. You said “we’re getting rid of the cat because she knocked over a lamp”. That’s what you fucking told me each time I asked you to expand on the situation. If I ask several times and that’s all the information I get, what the fuck else am I supposed to assume? After my conclusions were made based on sub-par and incomplete information YOU gave me, it was THEN that you decided to add in all the other extenuating circumstances I was unaware of-and then had the balls to blame it on me.
Yes Alex. I do think you’re a good person. I do think you care for your pets. That’s why I was confused. Telling me to “get off my high horse” was bullshit because you would have asked the same questions, so fuck that.
Text doesn’t translate emotion well, and so when I said “guess your grandma’s not much of an animal fan” the lighthearted and decidedly un-accusatory tone I heard in my head isn’t what you saw. Maybe I should have added a smiley-face emoticon with its tongue sticking out. For that I apologize, again, for the third or fourth time. If I thought someone was insulting my granny I would be just as livid (i’d get over it when I realized that’s not the case but whatever. You handle yourself however you want).
But where you got the idea that this sentence meant your grandmother is an animal abuser is off-the-wall crazytalk, a stretch the likes of which I have never seen. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t fucking say-I can only apologize for the way you interpreted what I said.
But the absolute worst, most insulting, most belligerently idiotic thing about this entire argument is our explosive conclusion. It still boggles my mind.
I tell you if you ever want to be friends again, if and when you’re ready, that my home is always open to you. Your response is to tell me to fuck myself.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Tori thinks you interpreted this to mean “whenever you want to apologize to me, I’ll be here”. If that’s true then this is a prime example of what happens when you make shit up in your head and assume everyone but you is a fucking asshole.
I want to take the high road and leave my invitation open because I care about you a lot and you’re one of my very best friends, but this thought keeps flashing in my head: would I really want someone who told me to fuck myself and who obviously doesn’t give a fat rat’s ass about me or our relationship and thinks I’m a fucking evil bastard in my house? Not really.
Even if we made up, i’d still remember that time you went batshit crazy on me and flipped me the verbal bird over some bullshit about a cat, and at this point I feel like our relationship is pretty much irreparable.It’s not really a loss for you either way, because if you’re gonna erase me from your life over the dumbest argument of all time then it’s fairly obvious you don’t give a shit about me.
Other friends of yours have done some moderate to severely bad shit to you, and you forgave them and you’re still good friends-if you plan on writing me off for this parp then there was no friendship between us anyway. If you didn’t like me you could have just said so, instead of reverting to terrible excuses to cut communication. Tyson used to do that when we first started dating. I don’t understand why dudes think this horseshit is plausible.
I’ve spent way too much energy on this already. It should be a non-issue, but you turned it into this huge elaborate disaster and then you bitch about it on tumblr like it was a random force of nature you couldn’t control.
Maybe you’re stressed out and have some issues in your life that caused to to Hulk out. I understand that. We all have issues bro, you’re not the only one. You don’t see me roid-raging on everyone I talk to. And maybe if I knew about some of those issues I could be a little more sympathetic but since you and Tor are on a magical sparkly island made for two I don’t get clued in on anything.
It kind of sucks that you never ever text or call me, but Tor gets like 5483485789432 texts a day from you. And hey, I get it. That’s fine. I’m glad your relationship with each other is strong. That’s what I hoped would happen when I first introduced you two. But it would have been nice to at least have been acknowledged every now and then for things other than you needing a foster mom for your kitty-kid.
I can only apologize so many times, and I’ve done so-but I fail to see an apology from you, and I’ve never asked for one either. That’s fine. Wallow in your own misery.
This is the last time I’m going to discuss this utterly moronic “situation”.
I’m just gonna go off and fuck myself now, thanks for the advice. You should try it.
- friend: *whispering* if you're stupid say "what"
- me: what
- friend: OH MAN
- OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST
- I GOT YOU SO GOOD, THAT WAS AWESOME
- SWEET, SWEET DICKS IN MY MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD. EVER.
- JESUS. JESUS HELP ME.