tl;dr (summary: whining and dramatic prose)

i need a good healthy dose of mystery in my life. I feel like it would motivate me.

I’m tired of not caring about anything, and I’m tired of making list and never doing the stuff that’s on them. I’m tired of seeing this awful slow progression of absolute apathy and laziness. I thought it was a great idea to wear black slippers to work (the close-fitting, stretchy kind) and it only dawned on me today how insanely DGAF that is.

I want to care about myself and my future and my house and the laundry and my relationships with people. I wish I didn’t want to just go home and put on pajamas and lay on the couch and write stupid Tumblr posts and gorge on snack food. Half the time, I never want to see anyone because I look like a total slob and I don’t want people to know how far I’ve let myself go. The other half of the time I see a 20-minute meetup as a 5-hour ordeal starting with a shower and the stupid blowdryer and 45 minutes of makeup just to look normal and fretting about which of my shitty pieces of clothing look the least shitty on my ever-growing plubby ass.

This is not the way I want to be. This is not the way I want to live. I want to look at the grayness before dawn and be filled up with that cool, refreshing sense of something old and mysterious and beautiful. I want to feel cleansed and energized when i stand in rain. I want to feel connected to my world.

I want to hold something dear again.

  1. nameless-slob said: We lead parallel lives, apparently. But the guy who mentioned Buddhism is totally right. Since I got really interested in it and have tried to practice it, it’s made a pretty big difference on being able to care about shit when I don’t feel like it.
  2. alberpup said: I’m sure you have, but have you considered reading up on Buddhism? If not as a religion, only as a philosophy.
  3. afjsjk reblogged this from koknbawlz and added:
    tbff you totally get me. I think if we lived near each other, we’d hang out and plan to do stuff but actually be total...
  4. zombiekookie said: I live in a delusion. It helps.
  5. quoilecanard said: My life :(
  6. koknbawlz posted this